Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
