Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
