I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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