I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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