Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
