Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
