and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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