I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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