ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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