Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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