So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
