you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
