The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize