just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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