I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
