proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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