I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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