I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
