i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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