I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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