fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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