yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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