Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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