we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
me + whiskey = a bad person
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
false alarm, still single
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
