Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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