rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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