"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
