And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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