Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
