Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize