my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
two words...techno handjob
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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