Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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