Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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