hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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