I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
