I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
