Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
