And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
