remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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