How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
