My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
