im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
