Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
