I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
