Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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