when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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