I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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