So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize