You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
