I'm so fucking centered right now
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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