Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
