she woke up with a sticky ear
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
