Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
