its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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