The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
There r osticjed everywhere
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
