I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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