Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
