quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
