come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
