Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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