After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
