Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
