Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
