So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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