I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
