Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
